As I wrote in this post, I have someone in my life, "Jon," who has proclaimed his decision to actively be in a same-sex relationship. When I left off on my last post, Jesse & I had decided to limit our contact with Jon because of his lifestyle decisions. Unfortunately, not much as changed since then. When Jon & I had our falling out during Holy Week, he said some very hurtful things. Now, I understand we all sometimes say things when we are angry, but that is still no excuse. So, I have asked him to apologize for these things before we can begin to talk & hopefully heal our relationship. But that apology has not happened yet & the more time that passes, the more I am beginning to feel it may never happen.
Coming to this realization has been a very difficult thing to deal with. When all of this started, I didn't expect to be at the point where I am now. But that is true about a lot of things in life, isn't it? We never know what sort of ripple effects will result from our actions & decisions. It can be nerve-wracking to contemplate all the various outcomes to our potential choices. We (especially those of us with control issues!) want to feel like we are in charge & maintain control over our lives. But the truth is, we can only be truly happy if we relinquish control & let God take over. Our Heavenly Father wants the best for us, it is up to us to listen & follow His will.
As frustrating as it is, I know that I can't force Jon to understand my decisions. I can't force him to end his same-sex relationship; I can't make him turn to the Eucharist & find healing through Confession & Mass. As much as those things bother me, I have to take that energy & channel it into prayers. Prayers that God warms Jon's heart, prayers that Jon's faith strengthens, prayers of mercy for Jon & prayers for faith & hope for all of us impacted by Jon's choices.
I have found a lot of solace in music during challenging times in my life. Lately, the song I have been listening to that has touched my heart during this trying time has been "Not Alone" by Family Force 5. The chorus says:
Cause I don't hurt when you say it
I hear your words, I can make it
I need you now, I want you now
To tell me that I'm not alone
May we all surrender ourselves to You & open our hearts to Your will. Allow us to hear Your words, reminding us we are never alone; even in the darkest moments when all seems lost, remind us of Your presence. Amen.