When I Grow Up ~ Part 2

Where do you see yourself in five years?

I hate this question. It's the twisted cousin to the benign childhood question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I started tackling that answer in this post. So now, I'm picking up where that story left off...

Ever since having children, I have really struggled with wanting to carve out a successful, meaningful career while still being incredibly involved & active in raising my children. This is a struggle for working moms everywhere & a simple internet search will turn up countless articles supporting this statement. In a perfect world, if money were no obstacle, I would stay home every day with my little ones, having learning time, playtime, field trips to the library/zoo/children's museum & just enjoying watching them grow. Jesse loves his work & is very dedicated to his ministry, so I would be content to allow him to flourish in that career & blossom in my own as a full-time mommy. However (reality check!), a youth ministry paycheck & lack of benefits aren't enough to sustain us. So, we need both paychecks as well as the health insurance that my job provides & his doesn't.

With that stark reality, I have come to the realization that if I must work outside the home, then I want to do work that is meaningful & allows me to use my education & expertise to the best of my ability. I have gone about trying to achieve this in a variety of ways...

• Using my current job as the ultimate learning experience: In this mindset, I try to make the most of my current work experience. I have attended trainings, participated in team projects & done my best to learn & build up my skill set.
• Finding fulfillment elsewhere: I recently became an adjunct faculty which has helped me find fulfillment in at least some of the work I do! However, it is difficult to be in a lackluster job for 40+ hours a week & balance that feeling of inadequacy with smaller quantities of time where I do find fulfillment.
• Seeking out other employment opportunities: For the past four to five years, I have been actively looking for another job. I have applied for countless jobs & had at least half a dozen interviews. All of this has honed my job search & interview skills, but has not actually resulted in a change of employers.
• Pray & trust that God's Will be done: I heard this type of TRUST described as True Resolve Under Severe Testing. Nearly eight years of frustrating job conditions coupled with four small children, opposite work hours with my spouse & a nearly constant job search & I certainly feel like I have been severely tested! I have continued my devotion to Mary, Undoer of Knots & offer up my situation routinely in prayer.

I'd rather not look back on all of the difficult & frustrating circumstances of my current job & job search. Quite honestly, it can be painful to feel that you aren't qualified enough for a job or didn't have what the employer was looking for. That quickly spirals into the school of thought, "I wonder if I'll ever get out of here?" So, I'd rather just look forward.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Honestly, I don't know. I'd like to be working on projects I feel passionate about, contributing to a greater good. Providing an example to my children that even though Mommy can't be home full-time, I am spending my time away from them doing good for others. That is rather vague, but given the journey I am on, it's the only answer I can give right now. Hopefully, in God's time, I will go where He leads me & find amazing things along the way.

When I Grow Up ~ Part 1

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Sounds like a simple question. And from a young age, it is something we are routinely asked & seemingly encouraged to think about. But, in my experience, it seems we have many answers to this question. At thirty years of age, I am still struggling (deeply struggling, actually) with how to answer this one question.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a vet (don't we all!?!) & wanted to work with horses. As I got older, I wanted to be an author like my favorite, Laura Ingalls Wilder. In high school, I decided I wanted to be a lawyer & even did a short stint shadowing a local attorney. Although that experience was very boring (in my high school-aged opinion), I continued on with that path & entered college as a pre-law major.

Upon arriving at college, I was greatly disappointed with the pre-law program. All the law courses were taught by the same professor who was not very challenging & didn't appear to have a passion for her students or the material she was teaching. After one semester, I visited the campus where I would be going for law school per the program requirements. Feeling less than impressed with that campus & a gut feeling that it just wasn't for me, I decided to switch majors. In high school, I had taken an accounting course & felt that perhaps that would be a better path. So, the summer after my first year of college, I became an accounting major.

Whether the change was for the better or not, I can't really say. Even though I was an accounting major, I knew I didn't want to be doing audits & taxes my whole life. A terrible internship experience in a CPA firm confirmed that decision. After completing my bachelor's degree in three years, I stayed at the same university to complete a master's of business administration. Knowing I didn't want to be a CPA, I understood the value that an MBA could have in rounding out my business acumen, rather than being pigeon-holed into accounting jobs. I always enjoyed higher education, but really loved the type of learning that the master's-level courses provided.

Upon graduation, I still didn't know what I wanted to do. But I knew I had to build up some real-world experience. So, I took a job as a financial analyst with a manufacturing company. The first six months of the job should have been an indication of what to expect. It was a newly created position & from the beginning, management struggled with finding enough projects/tasks to keep me busy. At this point, I began to develop a terrible, woe-is-me attitude about work. Looking back, I had nothing but negative experiences in job shadowing, internships & now a first job. Why couldn't I find something/someone who loved what they do & emulate that?!

Fast forward...marriage, four kids, home purchase...now nearly eight years later, I am still at the same job I took right out of college. How do I feel about that? Frustrated, angry, emotional, aggravated. I haven't moved "up the ladder" & there isn't really a defined path of where that ladder would go, assuming there was one. No considerable pay raises or leadership/management experience either. I have (thankfully!) been able to have flexibility & the opportunity to work from home when Jesse has retreats or work conferences. But, I often wonder, once our kids are all in school & we don't really need as much flexibility, what will I be doing still working here? It's a question I ponder a lot...along with that nagging question...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Part Two can be found here.

House Hunting

Over the spring/summer, I really didn't blog as much as I intended. One of the obvious reasons was Francis' arrival. However, we were spending a significant amount of time looking at houses. One of my goals for 2014 was to begin house hunting. And what a hunt it has been. Since the beginning of the year, we've probably visited more than 50 homes. We put offers in on three of them, which for one reason or another did not pan out. So, to say it's been a bit stressful & time consuming is an understatement!

But, the search came to a halt when we laid our eyes on this beautiful brick home.

 Although it was a bit cluttered & had way too much furniture, it was obvious that this house had ample space & storage for our large family. By this point (this being our fourth offer on a home), I was not allowing my heart to get invested in any further properties. There were three homes before this that I really liked & had started getting excited about when negotiations ended. So, it was hard for me to judge if I really loved this home at all because I was not emotionally hanging on to it, in case this one also fell through. After praying & considering our options, we put an offer in on this home.

We ultimately came to an agreeable contract & set a date for closing. But even then, I would not allow myself to get my hopes up...just in case. Each time I visited the house or flipped through the pictures I took, I could feel myself getting more & more excited. It was hard to believe the entire thing was actually happening. Then, the closing date came & everything actually happened as planned. We signed on the dotted line (actually lots & lots of signing), agreed to a mortgage & became homeowners!

As part of the agreement, we agreed to wait two weeks after the close to take possession, allowing the previous owners time to move into their new home. That's the time period we're in now...waiting (anxiously!) until next week when we finally get keys! We've been packing like squirrels readying for winter & trying to get as much done ahead of the big move. But, as the days count down, I still can't believe it's really happening. We actually own this beautiful home! Looking back now, I realize we are exactly where God wanted us to be, but in order to get here, we had to go through the process of all those other homes & offers.

I will try to blog about the move as much as I can, but we're getting ready to head into a couple of crazy weeks, so I'm not sure how much free time I'll have. But, rest assured, I have some great posts planned & also want to try sharing some decorating posts as we get settled in our new digs.

As for me & my household, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

Putting Family First!

This week, Jesse & I were asked to write the bulletin article since our priest is out of town. Here's what we came up with. I'm thinking we should figure out a way to make a living doing this!!

“We have to keep our kids busy with many activities so they stay out of trouble.”

“Let’s get through this month and we will take that family vacation…I promise.”

“Where did this week go?! I ran everywhere for everyone and I am exhausted.”

                 Life is zooming past us at such a hurried pace.  Time is our most precious asset, yet where & who are we spending it with? This week, we decided to show you some techniques that have worked for our family. Don’t think this means that we have it all together! Like many families, we struggle with all of the above scenarios, but wanted to share things that help us overcome it. We believe our culture has taken the family model & shattered its purpose. Society places a high value on entertainment & a fast-paced lifestyle. We are tricked into believing that if you aren’t busy, if you aren’t doing something, you aren’t creating value. Our value should be found in our relationship with God, not in how much we produce. God has led us out of slavery, yet often times we enslave ourselves to our work & other misguided priorities. Today, allow God to free you from those burdens! We need to reestablish the importance of our relationships & grow in faith as a family.

                Communication is essential!  We have to force ourselves to stop & reflect on what we did each day & share it with our families. Otherwise, we’ll just forget & just keep moving at 100mph. Part of prayer is reflection - it’s how we grow into better versions of ourselves. “What was your high today? What was your low today?” These are the two questions that each member of our family answers at the dinner table every evening. It’s a fun conversation starter & allows each person to tell us what they like & dislike about their day. As simple as this strategy is, it helps us to connect as a family. We believe that if we are able to talk about the small stuff every day, then it will make it easier for us to discuss the more challenging situations as they arise.

                Another key component of communication is honesty. Our children need to see us succeed in life, but they also need to see us fail…and learn from our failures. By being examples for our children & being honest with them, we are giving them a realistic example of what it means to be an adult, to be a parent. We need to forget about trying to be the “perfect” family & give thanks for our real family. Life is not perfect, in fact sometimes it is downright messy! But we need to embrace all of it, & show our children that loving each other through all of these situations is more important than how we look to others & is a key component in obtaining grace.

                Communication takes time. Right now you might not be able to fathom how you’re going to find quality time in your busy schedules, but trust us to say that you must make family time a priority! It has taken us many years with Jesse’s chaotic schedule to find this balance. But, with our children now in school, we knew family time had to take place. So, we began our Tuesday night family night. Every Tuesday, after school & work, we come home, prepare & eat dinner together & then spend our evening with the TV/phone turned off, spending quality time together. We’ve also begun to incorporate a weekly gospel reflection with questions & a video that lead us into discussion. This allows us to share our love for our faith with our children & teach them how they can learn from & interpret the weekly readings in their own lives. As parents & a married couple, this tool has also been beneficial as we now take time to read & reflect on the gospel & come to Mass prepared & engaged. If you are interested in joining us & doing the reflections as a family, go to http://massimpactus.blogspot.com/.

                When God called Elijah up the mountain, God was calling him to be present on the mountain. God understood that when Elijah climbed to the top, he was going to be thinking ahead to climbing down. The literal translation of what God said to Elijah means, “Be on the mountain.” Isn’t it human nature to be thinking ahead to the next thing, the next plans? When it comes to family & faith, we need to be present, be family. Don’t spend all your energy moving so fast, thinking forward to the next thing. Just be. Stop. Breathe. Enjoy the view of the mountains. Enjoy being together. Enjoy being a family.

                Please keep our family in your prayers, we are keeping you in ours as well. Let’s do this together! God bless, Jesse & Jessica

To the lady sitting behind me at Mass yesterday...

- Yes, I am aware of the stares I receive when I bring four children under age seven to Mass by myself.

- I did notice the not-so-nice glances you were directing towards my two-year old. What can I say, she's a wonderful little spirit! I don't tolerate highly disruptive behavior during Mass, but she was being a two-year old & doing the normal things they do. This includes babbling about people & things she sees, walking up & down the pew, etc. I won't force her to sit in complete silence, stuffing her with Cheerios or playing games on my phone because I use those chatty moments to teach her about Jesus & help her fall in love with the Mass.

- I am aware of our church's cry room, however I really only use it in emergencies. I prefer my kids sit where they are able to focus on the Mass & watch what is happening.

-Every time I was frustrated by your dirty glances, I repeated to myself what the lady at the grocery store said to me on Saturday. She was walking past me & my "push one cart, pull one cart" method of shopping with all the kids by myself & said in sweet & understanding way, "You have my undying admiration." It made my heart smile.

P.S. I offered up my frustrations for you & whatever is going on in your life. I hope the next time you see a mom with a bunch of kids in Mass, you are able to give them a kind eye...or at least look away & not stare.

The "Grass is Always Greener" Effect: Why I Can't Read Other Mommy Blogs

I decided to start a blog last year because I was hoping to find a community.  Perhaps some other working moms, youth ministers' wives, whatever it was.  I spend my time either at work or with my kids & hubby.  I don't go out much.  I can count on one hand since I've had kids how many times I leave everybody at home & just go out by myself to do something I enjoy.  So, the fact that this blog has been completely unsuccessful in that one goal is very disheartening & is often the reason I sit at my computer wondering whether I should even post the various draft blogs I have written.

Lately, I've really been feeling the panic that sometimes comes along with losing yourself to all the job titles that we as mothers have.  I am Jesse's wife; Sophie, Bella & Maddie's mom; I am someone's employee; I am the caregiver, housekeeper, dishwasher, laundry do-er, bill payer, kisser of boo-boos, planner of family events...the list is never ending.  But somewhere in that list, I've forgotten to include myself or anything that I enjoy doing for me.  I realize it is a big part of my unhappiness, but I can't seem to find anything that I'm passionate about just for me.  My parents love the movie, "The Bridges of Madison County."  It's not one of my personal favorites, but there is a quote from that movie that keeps playing in my mind...

"When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children, in one way her life begins but in another way it stops.  You build a life of details.  You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move.  And when they leave they take your life of details with them.  And then you're expected to move again only you don't remember what moves you because no one has asked in so long.  Not even yourself."

I can't speak to the part about children moving away yet, but I can certainly relate to not remembering what moves me because I have become so identifiable with my family & their needs.  This feeling is only perpetuated when I read other people's blogs.  In particular, I find myself angry when I read about the stay at home mom who takes online courses or the posts about cute, simple recipes or adorable house decorations.  I suppose I should be encouraged, inspired or at the very least, indifferent to the happenings in the lives of other mommies.  However, most of the time the only thing I feel is frustration in being unable to live up to those standards & wishing I had the circumstances they have.  I find myself comparing myself to these other moms & feeling constantly inadequate.  It's not a personal thing against any of the moms writing these blogs, it's more in finding fault with my lack of motivation or ability to take on such things in my own life.

It's getting to the point where I'm not sure I should read those blogs at all anymore.  And, it is forcing me to take a long hard look at myself, the things that are most important to me in raising our kids, and what things in my life cause my unhappiness/lack of motivation.  The frustration lies in knowing what things I want to change, but having circumstances beyond my control keeping me from changing them.  Jesse has long said that I have to find things to do for myself so I have something to look forward to.  Although I agree with him, I'm not sure where to start.  I think turning to prayer needs to be more prominent so I can find some answers or at least peace with where I'm at.  After that, who knows.  But hopefully there will be some revelations in my life.

Frustrations!

Maybe it's because I work full-time.  Perhaps it's because I have three children ages 1, 3 & 5.  Or that my husband & I are ships passing in the night when it comes to time spent together.  Whatever it is, lately I can't help but feel like I can't keep up...

My house looks like a mess...all day...every day.  I will never be featured in a lovely Pinterest picture or capture my latest home organizing project in a post here.  I'm just trying to stay on top of the daily stuff (and failing miserably).

The dishes are never-ending & did I mention the only dishwasher I own is currently typing this blog?!

I'm drowning - in laundry, piles of bills/mail, papers/handouts from school & overall clutter.

I live in 1,000 sq ft.  That's it.  For three children, two adults, one cat & all of our clothes/food/toys/memories/etc.  It's not nearly enough.  Not by a long shot.

I write a blog (when I find the time & feel inspired) but I don't think anyone actually reads it except for my husband.  "Hello, is anybody out there?"

I make to-do lists & feel accomplished if I can check off one thing.

I feel like I'm buried so deep in a hole that I can't even see the daylight.  I'd love to figure out a better way to conquer some of these items, but I have to find some motivation first.  Living with all of these things day in & day out for years makes it difficult to get excited about change.

Helping the "Needy"

My husband is a very giving person.  Whether he's shuttling kids to youth group, delivering food pantry goods to families with bare cupboards or counseling those in times of crisis, it seems he is always helping others.  These acts certainly go along with the duties of being a youth minister, but he goes beyond that & takes the disciple nature to another level.  My heart is warmed every time I see the needy families he helps...

...Unless the "neediness" of these families is questioned.

Over the years, there have been times when I find out that the people who are the recipients of our time & efforts aren't as needy as they let on.  Poor financial choices tend to drive some of these needy people to our front door.  I'm not talking about people who barely make enough to pay their bills.  I'm referring to those who take from the food pantry while buying newer cars, gadgets, video games or other "extras."  Recently, someone told Jesse that they had no money to buy an A/C unit that was desperately needed.  So, we were able to come up with a unit & took it to their house to drop off.  I was more than a little surprised to see they had just purchased a huge, brand new flat screen TV.  Another time, someone actually had the audacity to request specific brands of food be stocked at the food pantry since those were what they liked.

On the surface, both of these (true) examples leave me speechless since I can't imagine how some people can be so forthright, especially when they are the recipients of charitable acts!  However, our society has become very self-focused, so feelings of entitlement & "What's in it for me?" abound.  I suppose it's no wonder people feel they really are needy.  But, it's time we start separating our true needs from our wants & prioritize them.  Of course doing this requires some self-restraint which, in my opinion, is practiced far too infrequently nowadays.

I tend to get easily frustrated by these situations & know this is something that I have to work on.  We are practicing much more due diligence with our giving, which seems unfortunate because it takes the focus away from those who are legitimately in need of assistance.  Even though I don't always recognize it, there are blessings coming through these situations.  After all, as the Prayer of St. Francis states, "...it is in giving that we receive."  I'll keep reciting this mantra in the hopes it helps me deal with these situations better each time they occur.

Under Construction

For the past couple of weeks, Jesse has been doing a major overhaul of his offices & storage areas.  Since we live about 20 minutes from our parish, I couldn't have imagined that this would impact our home life in any way.  How silly of me!

Although we don't have any of the actual organization/cleaning/renovating happening here, I feel like I'm living in the midst of a construction zone!  The scope of this project has expanded beyond what I thought.  It has been very stressful to have all of this going on in the midst of our typical routine which is busy enough on its own!  I keep having to remind myself that this construction period is only temporary.  The end product will be worth it.

"Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be."  ~ Khalil Gibran

Gibran certainly has it right.  I can't count how often I find myself getting caught up in the details!  When I find myself doing this, I try to take a step back & see the forest through the trees, so to speak.  It is a good centering activity to help me focus on the greater picture and usually helps me get refreshed before jumping back into the details.

I know this office project will be over soon and then Jesse will have a wonderful, professional office (pictures to follow!).  And all of the chaos will have been worth it.  Then it will be time to focus that same organizational effort on our house...but that's another project for another day!

May the Sixth...Maybe Not

Beginning with the birth of our third daughter, Madeline, back in July, our lives have been a whirlwind.  I'm used to the fast paced life that comes with children, working full-time & keeping up with the youth minister schedule.  But, when Jesse took his job as a religious education coordinator shortly after Maddie was born, this pace seemed to kick into high gear.  One of the main reasons for this was because the job required much more time & energy, along with the many meetings, events & sacraments to prepare for.  When I wrote out the craziness of each month on our refrigerator white board, Jesse & I would remind ourselves, "We just have to get to May 6th."   For on that date was the last major event of the year...confirmation.  Then, after that, we knew the pace would slow & we could spend significantly more time together.

May 6th has come & gone.  And in reality, our hopes shouldn't have hinged on that date since it has taken a few weeks for things to start to slow down.  Regardless, we are now weeks past that date & the pace has slowed, if only a little bit.  As much as I would like to say we've rekindled our romance, spent evenings engaged in deep conversation or something like that, I can't.  As a matter of fact, things have been really difficult for us since our time together has increased.

I feel like we've spent the past 5+ years learning how to be apart, developing our own routines & nuances.  And now that our time overlaps, we are stumbling all over each other.  When asked if we would recognize each other now that we have more time together, I jokingly told someone that, "Most couples have difficulties because they drift apart.  We'll be the ones with issues because we're too close."  But really, there is a lot of truth in that statement.  We are certainly having trouble coping.

So I've been praying a lot & finding comfort in the little things.  When Jesse had been a youth minister for a year or two, I came upon the song, Lead Me by Sanctus Real.  I find myself coming back to this time and again when we hit a difficult patch.  I encourage all couples, especially those with long hours away from each other, to listen to this & find encouragement & strength in the lyrics.

"Show me you're willing to fight.  That I'm still the love of your life.  I know we call this our home, but I still feel alone."

Zach Sobiech

We are all given a finite time on this earth, realizing that someday we will pass on from this place to the next.  However, "someday" is so vague, we often (myself included) forget how truly valuable each day is since we don't know the day or time we will be called home to our Heavenly Father.  Although it would be emotionally exhausting to think of each day as our last & wonder when it will be our time to go, I think we should at least try our very best to remember that each day were are given is a blessing from God.  And it is our job to try & do our very best with

Every once & a while the media will catch hold of a story of someone with a terminal illness, given a finite amount of time to live, and share their stories of hope, perseverance & attitude of living for the moment. Recently, I heard such a story, that of Zach Sobiech, a young man who was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a rare form of bone cancer that is often deadly in children.  At the age of 14 he was diagnosed and at the age of 17, he was given months to live.

I watched the documentary of his life & felt incredibly inspired by his attitude, "You don't have to find out you're dying to start living."  Zach used the power of music to express his final thoughts to his family & friends.  The song "Clouds" has become a YouTube sensation.  Although the situation is incredibly sad, the song is remarkably uplifting & encouraging.

Zach found solace attending mass by himself early in the mornings.  He & his family had a devotion to St. Peregrine & even made a pilgrimage to Lourdes to visit the healing waters.  His family found strength & comfort knowing that this was a part of their earthly journey, but that it was not truly the end.

I don't know that I could react to this type of situation with the same type of faith & dignity that Zach did.  Listening to his songs, I am reminded of the many blessings I have in my life.  Although there are plenty of times when I am stressed by the kids or frustrated by Jesse's long hours away from home, it is in those times when I need to take a step back & thank God.  He has blessed all of us with so many wonderful things.  It shouldn't take a tragedy to make us realize it.

I have been drafting this post for a couple of weeks.  Sadly, Zach Sobiech passed away yesterday, May 20, at the age of 18.  Eternal rest, grant unto him O Lord & let perpetual light shine upon him.

Let Go & Let God

As I wrote in this post, I have someone in my life, "Jon," who has proclaimed his decision to actively be in a same-sex relationship.  When I left off on my last post, Jesse & I had decided to limit our contact with Jon because of his lifestyle decisions.  Unfortunately, not much as changed since then.  When Jon & I had our falling out during Holy Week, he said some very hurtful things.  Now, I understand we all sometimes say things when we are angry, but that is still no excuse.  So, I have asked him to apologize for these things before we can begin to talk & hopefully heal our relationship.  But that apology has not happened yet & the more time that passes, the more I am beginning to feel it may never happen.

Coming to this realization has been a very difficult thing to deal with.  When all of this started, I didn't expect to be at the point where I am now.  But that is true about a lot of things in life, isn't it?  We never know what sort of ripple effects will result from our actions & decisions.  It can be nerve-wracking to contemplate all the various outcomes to our potential choices.  We (especially those of us with control issues!) want to feel like we are in charge & maintain control over our lives.  But the truth is, we can only be truly happy if we relinquish control & let God take over.  Our Heavenly Father wants the best for us, it is up to us to listen & follow His will.

As frustrating as it is, I know that I can't force Jon to understand my decisions.  I can't force him to end his same-sex relationship; I can't make him turn to the Eucharist & find healing through Confession & Mass.  As much as those things bother me, I have to take that energy & channel it into prayers.  Prayers that God warms Jon's heart, prayers that Jon's faith strengthens, prayers of mercy for Jon & prayers for faith & hope for all of us impacted by Jon's choices.

I have found a lot of solace in music during challenging times in my life.  Lately, the song I have been listening to that has touched my heart during this trying time has been "Not Alone" by Family Force 5.  The chorus says:

Cause I don't hurt when you say it
I hear your words, I can make it
I need you now, I want you now
To tell me that I'm not alone

May we all surrender ourselves to You & open our hearts to Your will.  Allow us to hear Your words, reminding us we are never alone; even in the darkest moments when all seems lost, remind us of Your presence.  Amen.

Difficult Choices

A couple weeks ago, we began Holy Week, the season when we remember the events leading up to Jesus' crucifixion; the ultimate sacrifice made for us so that we may live with Him eternally in paradise.  It is surely an emotional season, but one that brings with it beautiful symbolism & ceremonies in the Church.  But this year was particularly difficult for me.  I have been struggling for a long time with how to handle a certain situation & unfortunately it all came to a head during the week.

I have someone who I'm very close to in my life; I'll call him "Jon" so as not to overkill using "a friend" and also to keep him anonymous, since for the purpose of this blog, I would rather focus on his choices than his identity.  For a couple years, I have been hearing second-hand that Jon is either bi-sexual or homosexual.  Several months ago, Jon & I went out to dinner & he shared with me his decision to actively pursue a relationship with a man.  In fact, he informed me that he had been dating men for quite some time & just recently entered into a relationship that made him happy.  For the first time since his struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA) began, he was feeling comfortable in his own skin.

I would like to say that I sat at that dinner table & began to express my disappointment with his decision & rattle off some theological arguments for why homosexual relationships are not approved in the Catholic Church.  However, since Jon grew up with the same Catholic values & morals as I did, he was already well aware of the Church's position.  So instead, I chose to sit there, listening to him & seeing the happiness in his face, all the while feeling my conscience tugging at my heart.

After some prayer & consideration, I chose to share this article written by Steve Gershom with Jon.  If you have anyone in your life struggling with SSA, I highly recommend reading Steve's blog.  I found an incredible amount of consolation in the fact that you can have SSA & be a full member of the Catholic Church.  And, just like with any vocation, there are struggles & sacrifices, but the overall message is that you can still be a happy, active member of your faith & continue to receive the Eucharist.

Unfortunately, Jon's response was motivated by anger at the perceived judgement of his life.  He clearly stated that living chaste was just "not for him" & he would continue to pursue his relationship whether we liked it or not.  Since Jesse & I have had countless conversations about this subject, I knew what my next move had to be.  I knew in my heart that Jon's choice goes against everything we believe & would compromise his ability to receive the Eucharist.  Because I love & care enough for Jon, Jesse & I told him that we would have no choice but to limit our contact with him.  In addition, we didn't feel our children, who are too young & impressionable to form their own opinions much less have any idea of what was happening, should be exposed to the choices Jon was making for himself.

Our choice to limit conversation with Jon has caused a lot of turmoil but we stand firm & hope that one day, Jon will open himself up to the possibility that perhaps he can live a chaste life.  I continue to pray every day for this to happen, but ultimately he has to make his own choice.  Contrary to what some might say, I love Jon with all my heart & it is because I love him so much that I had to take a stand.  I care so much that I want to see him in the eternal paradise, which is worth giving up earthly happiness for.